unfolding the story
unfurling the rose
In my dreams…
“I’m trying to find the words to explain to my dad, an uncle and aunt, a cousin and his partner the work I do, in particular Tantra, and how people’s lives are very much supported by this work. The words are failing me so I invite them to come and witness a session. A client generously agrees to be witnessed even though this makes him feel quite vulnerable, there are others there too, students maybe. My client waits in one room while I set the space up and get everyone settled in a circle around the treatment couch. Candles are lit, satin sheets laid out, there is a heater keeping the space warm and the oils are also being kept warm, ready to anoint my client’s body.
I go to check on my client, he expresses his nervousness but affirms he his still willing so we enter the space together… its in disarray! My uncle has decided to inspect under the sheets for some reason and they are now in a heap on the floor, my dad has turned the heaters off not wanting to waste electricity and blown the candles out as they were, in his eyes, a fire hazard. I had asked everyone to be respectfully quiet, to bring their presence and to ensure my client felt supported and safe. My family were all chatting, making jokes and coming out with “rather you than me mate” comments to my client. A student has positioned himself at the foot of the couch and my dad forcefully moves him convinced he is just trying to get a look at my bottom… It is a out and out disaster.
I’m furious, I send everyone home then turned my full attention to easing my client out of the shock and anxiety triggered by the raucousness of my family”
For a while now, I have been tentatively dropping in little comments into conversations with my dad, when opportunities arose, that allude to the fact I have a better understanding than some in the arena of intimacy, connection and healthy sexual function. I have known if I was to have a fuller conversation about tantra and my work it would need to arise gently, without any confrontation or soap-boxing.
On the day following the night of the dream shared above I was in conversation with my dad about the prospect of finding a place to rent this year. Out of that conversation arose questions about viability, could I make it work financially, will I gather a large enough clientele in the area I choose, and then the biggy “What do you actually DO these days Amanda? What do clients come to you for?”
When I could feel the energy moving away from the conversation I shared with him the dream sequence above. We laughed about how close to the truth it would be and he said “so Amanda, what do you think the dream is telling you?” I replied, “that you guys aren’t ready to see the whole of what I do”. He laughed, stood up and confirmed “We were just blokes being blokes, we don’t get it, and we don’t need to know the full details”. He smiled and walked out of the room, and that was that.
I sat in the quiet for a while just smiling, years of build up to that moment, so much working through deep dark shadows, healing the inner child, growing-up the inner parent, integrating my own masculine and feminine, initiating through the inner marriage, claiming my right to be me - sexually, heartfully, soulfully me.
And it was done, in just a few minutes, in a calm good humoured way.
All of our lives, yours as well as mine, are made up of these stories, these pathways to remembering who we are. In the telling of our stories we capture their wisdom on our own breath, in our own voices. We acknowledge how we are transforming through them, over and over again. For a while we will tell the exact same story, perhaps from a different perspective, playing different roles each time or witnessing another nuance rising to the surface. I’m not sure if we ever reach “The End” or if it simply transmutes into another version… either way, or in many ways, it doesn’t matter. The art of Tantra invites us to remember, there is no goal, no finish line, just an onward flow of connection with pauses. Full spacious pauses pregnant with potential, and full enriching moments of flow. May we all of us be blessed by the beauty and medicine encoded within our stories. Thank you for reading this snippet of one of mine.